Thank you. It was certainly not an easy decision, but I like to think it was right one. Even if our relationship ultimately ended, at least I would be able to tell myself that I tried. Luckily, we tried - imperfectly, uncomfortably - and we’re still here.

Thank you for the kind words!

Thank you, I appreciate that.

I wrote something a little while back on here, in many ways related to this, that I still take to heart. Hope anyone reading this and relating can take something from it, so I think it’s worth sharing again.

Genuine sorrow hurts, but my god if it isn’t a fascinating and powerful state. It’s 100% transformative, in a good way, if you allow it to be. Sorrow and the journey back, imo, is a vital trial in human development, all the more interesting because it’s truly universal. The risk is so hardening yourself against pain that it’s detrimental, the prize is a deeper capacity for empathy.

To love, and to lose, and to find your way back to love again - it doesn’t feel this way in the slough of despond, but on the other end and with some time it’s a beautiful thing.

Some opinions as someone who has been on the other side of this:

1. Recognize that if she decides to not divorce you, from now on, no matter what you do, how much of a new leaf you turn, etc., there will always be at least a little bit of doubt about you. That feeling when you find out you’ve been cheated on by a long-term partner never quite goes away - it gets smaller and less nagging, but never completely disappears. If you want to stay with your wife, you’re gonna have to accept this.

My discovery happened almost a decade ago. I would have been well within my rights to dump her ass and never talk to her again, but I didn’t. I thought it was at least worth trying to stick around and see if we could work things out before doing that, given we made that whole “till death do we part” oath and were still breathing. She was not owed this - I did that for me. Things are better, and we are in a much, much better place than we were. Still, this pops to mind at least once a day, and has every day since it happened.

2. Go see a couple’s therapist yesterday - first, to create a venue where she can express her feelings about all of this, what she wants to do, and what she needs; next to start having an open, 100% honest discussion about where your head is at and behaviours, and finally to start shopping tools for completely transparent communication going forward. Treat this seriously and pay fucking close attention.

3. Follow this up with some therapy for yourself - very few people choose to cheat because they’re loving life. Start identifying where you need to work your own shit out. Again, take this deadly seriously. Encourage her to do the same.

4. 100%, no exceptions, complete and utter honesty and transparency going forward. She wants to see your phone? Hand it over. She wants to know where you’re going/what you’re doing? Tell her, with proof. She wants you to have a tracking app? You download that shit. She wants the nastiest details about what the hell happened? Do warn her you’re concerned it will hurt even more, but if she wants to hear it anyway you tell her. By dint of your actions, you’ve lost your right to both be in the relationship and keep a self-defined level of privacy - if you don’t like it, start looking at divorce. If you two start healing, the need for this kind if stuff may start to diminish as the level of trust comes back up.

5. Check in with her, often. How she’s feeling, what she needs, etc. Pay attention, respect it even if it involves something that may hurt you emotionally. Do NOT throw shit in her face - keep in mind, YOU’RE the one who fucked up, and who now wants to move on with her as your partner. She just discovered her husband did one of the shittiest things a spouse can do to someone they claim to love. It’s a very different experience.

6. You could do everything right, do all the therapy, open communication, working on yourself and the relationship you want. If she decides that she can’t do it, she can’t. Recognize this. Accept this. She doesn’t owe you shit.

Not gonna lie to you man - you have a tough row to hoe. I will say, with time and a shit ton of work, it’s possible to remain together, and both of you be happy about it. But there will now always be a pre-cheating and post-cheating division when thinking about your marriage. The goal, if you are remaining together, is to build something much better and stronger than what you had before. That may happen, that may not. But putting the work in gives the greatest probability of success.

Best of luck to you - seriously, you fucked up, and fucked up BIG, but we are all human, and therefore liable to fuck up. No matter what the outcome of all this is, learn from it and grow.

When the weather is good, be outside as much as possible. Do more long-distance, or even multi-day treks. Dick around in the woods more (survival skills for fun, learn more about identifying local plants and fungi, etc). Bring a book and some basic snacks, and hang out in public park space more often (we’ve got some beautiful spaces here). Basically just a lot more exploration, primarily on foot, bike, or skateboard depending on distance and energy level.

When the weather is crap, spend more time keeping my place in order and looking nice. Listen to music, read books, maybe try and get more deliberate about a writing habit. Pick a public indoor space of some kind and become a regular. Maybe volunteer.

Spend more time working on good habits to keep the energy level up for the above long term.

This is fucking awesome. Thank you for sharing!!

To have some visuals added to this, either a trippy slideshow-esque video played silently, or do the whole album-synced-up-to-a-movie thing (Dark Side of Oz style).

Joined a Telegram group a while back with lots of ideas /materials for that last concept, so let me know if you want some inspiration.

Edit: A weird animation Youtube autoplay queue while playing solid music is a good choice too. Ideally this is all just in the background while hanging out/doing other stuff and just gives something to zone out on in between.

Perfectly fine. Bumps don’t do what they used to do in messageboard/BBS contexts, so if you have something useful/clever/funny to say in a dead thread I say go for it.

Heck, sometimes it can prompt a follow-up when someone says “You know, I should do [x related to topic]” after some time has passed, which is fun.

Sup Nick! Love the energy, and if you legit haven’t heard of our friend Nicole, this is hilarious in a good way.

Looks like you’re also a sh.it.head (don’t worry - this is a good thing!), and so far don’t look to be a shithead (which would be a bad thing) so in my book we’re already friends :) Welcome!

Something to think about, though of course do whatever makes the most sense for your circumstances: what’s better - maintaining your current pace of work, without meaningful breaks, in a way that only further pushes you into burnout and risks impacting job performance to the point you could be let go for cause. Or, using your PTO, which is part of your compensation package, to take breaks and at least try to get some downtime to mitigate burnout, which generally has a positive impact on job performance and with that reduces the probability of being let go with cause?

Not going to lie and say you couldn’t get blindsided and screwed either way, but with very few exceptions I always think not taking your PTO is a mistake.

Will acknowledge I don’t know your circumstances and don’t mean any offense. If what you’re doing makes sense from a long-term survival perspective, then do what makes sense.

The issue is, what is the immediate alternative? You can simplify your life to minimize the amount of resources needed, you can find work that feels pleasant/meaningful enough that it doesn’t always feel like a slog, you can have other people subsidize your lifestyle by working themselves (cool if said people are cool with it/there’s some mutually beneficial exchange - usually involving domestic work, which is still work -, not cool if it’s pure leeching). But ultimately, unless you come from wealth, either you or someone working for your benefit needs to work to get resources needed for living.

It doesn’t have to be this way forever, but this is reality right now. Heck, this isn’t even unique to capitalism - even in a socialist society, people still need to work, they just (theoretically) gain more of the benefits of that labour than in capitalist societies.

Leaning into this will probably garner attention from the right sort of women for you. The ones attracted to “traditional masculinity” (which is kind of a trap in some respects anyway) probably wouldn’t be attracted to you sexually in the first place, based on what you describe here. So you don’t really lose anything by what you plan to do. Go for it!

And if anyone gives you guff about it, tell them to fuck off (or whatever response appropriate to your vibe, but carrying a similar message, works best).

There’s a few people I know who use it for boilerplate templates for certain documents, who then of course go through it with a fine toothed comb to add relevant context and fix obvious nonsense.

I can only imagine there are others who aren’t as stringent with the output.

Heck, my primary use for a bit was custom text adventure games, but ChatGPT has a few weaknesses in that department (very, very conflict adverse for beating up bad guys, etc.). There’s probably ways to prompt engineer around these limitations, but a) there’s other, better suited AI tools for this use case, b) text adventure was a prolific genre for a bit, and a huge chunk made by actual humans can be found here - ifdb.org, c) real, actual humans still make them (if a little artsier and moody than I’d like most of the time), so eventually I stopped.

Did like the huge flexibility v. the parser available in most made by human text adventures, though.

That’s chimerism. Capitalism is a large-scale and violent event in the natural world.

Give this a shot maybe? I know there’s some other archive collections as well you could try digging into.

https://geocities.restorativland.org/

There’s something about going to an event with like-minded people, listening to a band you like live with (often, not always) optimized sound for the space, and 99% of folks uninhibitably jamming out and having a good time.

I can definitely see how the experience would be unappealing to some folks, though. And I should note I’m more of a gig goer than concert attendee - so sound optimization is hit or miss, and the jamming out % is lower. Still fun, still not everyone’s cup of tea.

Edit: Idle thought that came up reading this back: what is music, for you - as in, what is your relationship to it? Where does music live in your world? Is it something that comes out of a machine to fill silence in your space or block out noise? Is it something produced by humans, of which MP3s/FLACS/CDs/Vinyl/radio waves etc. are just imprints/simulacrum for wider dissemination?

Basically, is it an activity, or a product at its core? Not really expecting anyone to answer (though they can), just a reflection I personally found interesting. Many acceptable answers.